Yeah, so its been awhile. Umm.... not much has happened, except I got myself a gurl(or maybe she got me). I don't know who she is yet, but i'm trying to ask her name without sounding like an ass. I'll let you know once I figure it out.
I'm not much for typing right now, the rest of my week is going to consist of writing a speech for CMST thats going to require quite a bit of prep time. That and trying to salvage some Independent Study courses that I let falter behind. So wish me luck, and hold some small hope of me updating. Its just been a little hectic the past month.
So its been awhile. Yeah, a long while. I'd love to tell you its because nothing has been happening in my life recently, but that would be an outright lie. My life has gotten much more interesting. I won't elaborate... (doesn't that suck for you?)
But besides the interesting stuff, I've had my share of mundane goings-on. These are what I'll share with you (again, SuX4U). My midterm grades sucked, they were essentially 4 B's, 1 C, and 1 F. The F is in Accounting, which has been the bane of all things scholarly and productive for poor Jeff. Its hard. Really hard. A large part of this is likely because its in CEBA, which somehow prevents me from making the trip.
I was going to say more, but I really should get some sleep. I'll try to update with more tomorrow when things are more lucid.
I'm so fucking poor. I came here to New Orleans with the hopes of getting money from my ever-loving father. I've been sorely disappointed. Barring some last minute charity, I'm going home empty-handed. I'm going to test all my friendships and see how well I can survive until next month.
Today was interesting. In fact, it was altogether enjoyable. My father took me out to see a couple plays. For those of you who don't know, I'm in a theater class this semester with Melanie. Contrary to popular belief, I don't go to this class simply because she's in it. I actually enjoy it. I've always enjoyed odd things like that, and the class has been a boon for my performance-loving side. Both plays had their interesting quirks.
The first one was at 4:30 at "True Brew Theater" in Downtown New Orleans. It was a coffee shop that just happened to have a small theater in the back. My father and I wound up being the only people to attend that showing, which made for a unique experience. Not only was the solo-performer standing there maybe 5 feet from where we sat, but he was literally giving his performance to just us. I can't put into words right now just how strange that was to me, needless to say I enjoyed the hell out of it.
The second play I went to was a much larger production in the French Quarter. This one was a very enjoyable play based on 1950's New Orleans. I had a great time at this theater, though my experience was no doubt enhanced by the several scotch and waters that my father bought me. I suppose any observation of fine art should be accompanied by a similar observation of the subtle tastes of rare single malt scotch whiskey. Or at least that seemed to be the approach we took, which made for a very fine evening. Following the last play we made our way to a small sandwich place in the Quarter, which my father recounted as being "The toughest bar in New Orleans during the 60's." Unfortunately my keen eyes managed not to spot any fisticuffs or associated testosterone flexing.
Well, here I sit, on one of the many computers which pervades my tech-happy home away from college. I'm beginning to feel the small fingers of homesickness gently massage my scalp, slowly but surely penetrating my skull to invade my mind with sounds of laughter and visions of my family together again. Or maybe thats just the cheap hooker I picked up on Airline trying to get me roused again...
Yeah, i'm plastered right now. I just got drunk on a Tuesday night, when I have 5 (read as FIVE) classes the next day. Perhaps it wasn't a great idea, but I don't currently regret it. I went over to the commons, put up for Bud Ice and Malibu, then proceeded to get trashed.
Melanie was nice enough to accompany me (well, basically to drive/babysit me) to IHOP. I wolfed down some sandwich that I can't even name but I think it had the wrong kind of meat on it... I've had a great last couple of days, life may be turning around, I just need to get the school part down.
BLAHBLAHBLAH, yeah, I really am drunk. I sometimes am mistaken for being sober simply because I have excellent control of myself at all times (STFU Mel, that door at IHOP was somehow defective... as were the coffee pitcher and whatever else was on that table). Anyways, I'd better get to sleep. Class needs to be attended...
Yeah, so I pwn3d those tests today. For those of you whose 1337 skills are sub-par, that basically means I had no problem whatsoever with them, and frankly tore them both new assholes. My CMST exam was a 50 question long walk in the park. I finished in about 10-15 minutes, being the first one to finish in the class. To think that just one hour of studying could have such an effect... The History test was also quite easy for me, surprisingly. I wrote for a good 45 minutes on my essays, and am assured of a passing grade, possibly even A range.
Hmmm... I've been so tired today. I ate Great Wall with Anthony and Juan, which was terrific. There were three huge black men seated next to us, who we later discovered were LSU football players (a few kids walked up and got autographs). Oddly enough, I only had 1 1/4 plates there. My record is much higher, and I had thought I was hungry, but I guess that MSG did the trick.
Tomorrow they're supposed to have some great drink deal at TJ Quills in New Orleans. Free beer til 11 is what I've heard. If this is indeed the case then it is highly probable that I will wake up Sunday in a drunken stupor, shrugging off the clumsy advances of whatever girl I wound up sleeping with that night. Well, half of that is highly probable...
To be done with midterms is a HUGE relief for me. I had been full of anxiety for the past several days, I had hoped that it was partially due to the exams. Strange thing is that my mood seems to have rubbed off on certain others, *cough cough*. I'll let everyone know again that I am always here (for those of you who know how to find me), and always willing to listen, offering advice when asked. I hate to see other people feel like I constantly do, if anyone realizes the effects of depression its me, and I will do anything and everything in my power to make said person escape the grasp of flailing tentacles of sorrow.
Well, its Friday. Normally that would mean that I would start relaxing and planning my weekend activities, but today is different. Yes, today is very different... My lovely teachers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to give me two midterms today. My CMST exam, which I have at 8:30 (1 hour from now), is going to be a breeze. The problem lies in History. Now, I love history, its one of my favorite subjects... the problem is that our test covers A LOT of material. Its also all essay, which is usually a boon for me, but this time is likely a drawback. Wish me luck/pray for me/sacrifice chickens or small children. |
I'd better get back to studying, I'm looking at taking a test at 8:30, then skipping my next two classes to study for History, which is at 12:30. Once these tests are over I'm going to need to relax... which reminds me, if any attractive girls out there want to come over and "help me relax", I'd be more than "up" for it. I find that I am wanting companionship (not just sexual) more and more lately, so if you are a smart, funny, reasonably attractive girl who finds my humor and general demeanor entertaining (this is quite rare, not that I mind being a little eccentric), and is interested in spending time with someone like me then please submit your applications here.
Oh yeah, if it looks like no girls are going to be submitting, then would my friends spare me by making anonymous posts saying they're girls.... yes, I'm a sad man.
|» Big Surprise, I'm Depressed|
For those of you who don't know me very well, I can sometimes come off as an arrogant asshole who could care less about other people and what they think of me. I find that I enjoy this reputation, since it allows me to shelf my true feelings. The reality is, I'm an emotional pansy. I cry, I worry, I do everything that every guy has been told not to do since birth. So much machismo is ingrained into my upbringing, I sometimes wonder why I'm not out beating women and killing small animals.|
I bring this up because today I'm experiencing a bout of depression. A general malaise, I think... The truth is that I may know why I feel this way, but I can't, or won't, express that possibility in this forum. Basically, its a relationship problem... I'm extremely picky in who I fall for, so when it happens I'm always a little stunned... I'll leave this vague.
My life has been full of depressing events, but don't think I say this for pity. I really don't want pity, I want freedom... freedom from having those tears that I try so hard to hold back, freedom from always wondering where my life is going, freedom from dwelling on my many past mistakes. I often wonder if I'll ever be able to concentrate on the moment, forgetting about the peripheral issues. The only times when this seems to be accomplished is when I'm having a very good time, or when I'm drunk. These two situations are very often combined. I worry about this, I don't want to be someone who drinks to escape problems, I have alcoholics in my family, and their lives are incredibly fucked up.
My college life is not going well. If you're reading this Dad, I'm sorry, I really am. I try my hardest to develop a drive, but I don't have one. I often feel so fucking alone in life, and that has nothing to do with not having a girlfriend. I just don't know where my life is headed, and can't seem to decide what to do. The fact that I'm chronically depressed leads me to try to have those "good times" in order to forget about them, I don't find class fun, and I literally haven't been doing anything unless I think its fun. My life is turning into crap. The ideals that I hold to aren't being followed, I don't know what career I want to have. I don't know what is going to become of me. I don't like this feeling. I REALLY don't like this feeling. If it weren't for my oft-suicidal mom and my having to stop her from doing things so many times it may be something I would consider myself. I don't know about the accuracy of that last statement.. I've had therapy from an early age for depression, but I can honestly say that I've never ever wanted to kill myself, or even considered it an option. Luckily, I don't feel that way now.
Lately, I've been more and more affected by snide comments or even insults told in jest. This isn't a good sign, I'm on the verge of giving up on my goals and dreams, becoming some poor, lazy, unhappy and alone individual. The fact that I see what would happen if I did give up is the only thing keeping me going. The only saving grace I have is desire to write, to express my soul and my thoughts to the world. Thats really all that interests me right now, besides hiding from reality in various ways. Reality can be too painful for me...
If this makes you feel any different about me, don't let it, plz. I use this journal as an outlet for expressing some of the turbulent thoughts in my head. These are views of my mind that I have never before expressed to others. I'd rather you just forget about what I write, the real reason for writing it is so I can learn more about myself. I'm not a deeply deranged young man, as some apparently think.
I could write forever on this topic, but something tells me that most of you wouldn't want to hear it. If anyone ever wants to talk about anything at all, you know where to find me. Living a life like mine has blessed me with a great intuition on solving people's problems, since I'm constantly working on my own.
Lending an ear to all, asking the same of few.
Yeah, its been another week since I last posted. I don't really have time to write much right now, I'm about to get a shower and go eat, but I figured I'd say something.|
Last night I went to Tiger Bar... I was reminded of how much I dislike Tigerland, its perhaps 1/10 the excitement of New Orleans nightlife. We had a few drinks there while I played pool. Afterward we had a guy buy us some beer, but then he only bought a 12-pack, and gave me 10 bucks back from the 40 I gave him... needless to say I wasn't going to let that happen. My friends and I got a little pissed and he quickly forked over more money, leaving me with the urge to fight someone for the rest of the night. I managed to get drunk and listen to god-awful tales from this girl I know, I won't elaborate, but think fem-dom psycho in a 19 year old body.
I got back last night and noticed that Melanie was still awake... her sleeping schedule is nearly as fucked as mine. Anyway, talked to her for awhile, watched tv, still couldn't sleep and still didn't care because of my buzz. Eventually, I'm guessing around 10 or so, I fell asleep.
Today has been completely unexciting, though i've only been up for two hours. I plan on going to New Orleans tonight and going out with friends, I feel like I haven't been in awhile. I'm trying to get Mel to go, but she's notorious for backing out of anything that could be fun. If anyone else wants to go let me know, I'm going to have several extra beds, and bringing girls, even one's that aren't "available", can still make guys feel better than standing with a bunch of guys drinking and looking at girls.
I'd better get a shower, I need to get some free food at the union, i'll try to post more often, but don't count on it.
|» Still A Little Drunk...|
Hmmmm.... what a nice little surprise of a night.|
After spending the day doing pretty much nothing(except class, which I DID attend), the night promised the be one spent alone in front of the tv. However, my friends Juan and Chris were determined to do something fun. After nearly turning them down to fall asleep, we decided to all go to this apartment off of Burbank, at Bluebonnet Place. This is all thanks to a phone call from my friend Brenton, who said they were playing Halo at this guy Chris' apartment.
We get there, and suddenly find that there are about 10-15 people there, including some decently attractive girls(always a plus). We played a little Halo over a 2 tv, 2 X-box lan, which was fun. Then, much to our surprise, one of the girls was like "Hey, I don't even know you guys, but I see you sitting there not drinking... how bout a shot?". So, a double-shot of Captain Morgan's and 3 beers later, I was buzzing slightly(no, i'm not a lightweight, my whole day was on 2 hours of sleep, it didn't take much for me to feel it). Then we played more Halo, determining that I was the best one playing, and so this asian guy, Angel, decided to challenge me. Well, I was soundly romped, which I quickly blamed on my slightly inebriated state, though truthfully he was better than me(I lost 25-10 in a 1 on 1 deathmatch, not exactly a good ratio).
I realize most of you could care less about my playing Halo and getting buzzed, but then again, you're reading this, so I guess thats your fault. Anyway, tomorrow night I will probably get drunk for real, hopefully after finishing some studying, and not getting too drunk so that I can't study more on Sunday(I have an ISDS test Monday which i'm a little concerned about).
Good night to you all, I really should get some sleep now...
|» Yeah Yeah, Its Been Awhile|
I've had so many people complaining about me not posting, I figured i'd may as well say something. I don't even remember what all has been happening, so I guess i'll just center on Mardi Gras.|
Mardi Gras was an event. I went to New Orleans Friday night, met up with my older brother and his friend from the Air Force, then called up my people and went out. Cafe Banquette was our starting point for the night, which was an interesting choice, since my little brother was DD, and he is only 16. Luckily, he apparently resembles my older brother enough that he got in with a 21 ID. For some reason its embarrassing to have your 16 year old brother wearing a 21 wristband... even though the places I frequent in New Orleans would let anyone drink.
The highlight for me of Banquette was me procuring free beads. I was sitting there, drinking a Bud Light (I must watch my girlish figure), when this guy in a red Budweiser shirt walks up and says "I work for Budweiser, and you're drinking a Budweiser, so naturally I will commend you for your fine taste in fermented goat's piss. Also, since you're dashingly good-looking, and i'm too straight to hit on ya, how bout some free beads?" Of course I was only too happy to accept, its not everyday someone tells me about my insanely good looks(oh wait, yeah it is...). (ok ok ok, that last story may be slightly embellished, the important thing is I got the beads)
Those beads would provide the highlight of my Mardi Gras, when I used them that very night in a most satisfying way(cough...hot blonde's spread twat and bent over ass...cough). I will stick by my all-too male behavior, it was Mardi Gras afterall... and besides, the guys I was with agreed that it was the best moment of the whole weekend.
Anyway, I won't go into specifics about the whole weekend, but instead will offer a quick summary. 1) My older brother acted an ass, but a drunken one, which I happen to find insanely funny, even though some girls might have found it in bad taste 2) I continued my alcoholism, spending my last dollar on booze 3) I saw enough female body parts to suddenly desire a girlfriend again 4) I need a girlfriend... 5) yeah, you already know it
Alright, i'll try posting more often, i've just been incredibly busy...i'm not sure what I was doing that took so much of my time, but its all lost to me now. Oh well, i'd better get some sleep, I NEED to attend classes tomorrow, and make a new habit of it, my first tests were wake-up calls that I can't ignore.